Another week, another bunch of legal setbacks for King Tutan-Con-Man. First, the Manhattan DA seemed on the verge of indicting him for his brief encounter with a porn star and a spanking with a rolled up magazine. And in the stolen classified documents case, another one of Donald Little Dinger’s lawyers was ordered by a federal judge to give evidence to Jack Smith’s grand jury despite his claims of attorney-client privilege. And in Georgia, Uncle Scam faced almost certain indictment and RICO charges after a third recording surfaced of him trying to steal the election there. So whether Speaker Kevin McKissass or Jungle Jim Jordan likes it or not, it looks like their Commander-In-Beef will be spending some time washing his tidy whities at the Rikers Island laundromat.
And here at the Clown Car Update, we do not want our followers to miss out on the historic events that will be playing out in the next few months as Captain Tantastic perp-walks into the annals of history. So, in conjunction with photo retailer Mugg Pix, the Clown Car update is proud to offer the Prisoner Elect’s Commemorative Conviction Collection. Included in the package you get:
: This is a reproduction of the original mug shot taken when The Taco Bowl Kid was first booked. Emblazoned on a large ceramic mug, the lettering declares him “Bandido Number One!” Think of the years of enjoyment you will get sharing an Egg McMuffin with your grandkids and recounting fond memories of the day Cheddar McCheesecake was fitted with a size 4X orange jumpsuit. 1 Mug Shot Mug
Barbie and Ken’s “Stormy Daniels/Donald Trump Edition”: This version of the famous doll duo recreates all the excitement of the fifteen seconds Captain Tantastic shared with Stormy, the event that “mushroomed” into history’s most famous criminal case! The set comes with flexible Donnie that can be bent over with his pants down ready to take a smack from Stormy with the included rolled up magazine. Doll house hotel suite and Russian hookers sold separately.
: Expertly framed for display in home or office, these are replicas of the gloves used on booking day in Manhattan to do The Comb-Over Kid’s body cavity search. Each set is signed by Alvin Bragg himself and they are numbered 1 – 130,000. A DNA sample of authenticity acquired during the search accompanies each set. 1 Pair of Latex Gloves
: Directly from the original fingerprints taken on booking day, these ceramic reproductions of Douche-olini’s fingerprints are tiny enough to fit into your pocket or purse for you to enjoy and share wherever you go. These delicate pieces are accompanied by a protective carrying case in the shape of a Big Mac. Tiny Ceramic Fingerprints
: Modeled after the fat and chubby Zip-Ties used by the NYPD to restrain Creep Throat during his arrest, these authentic NYPD zip-ties are imprinted with the date and time of Darth Tax Evader’s arraignment. These are great for your display case or to handcuff yourself to a bedpost while a Russian hooker gives you a golden shower. Also available in MAGA red. Zip-tie Handcuffs
So call today while supplies last. Inmates on Rikers are standing by to take your credit card information. And for 10% off your order, be sure to use the code “COVFEFE.”